The Balamb Bunch!
by Shadarii
Summary: Final Fantasy 8 characters in kind of a Brady Bunch setting. I think we've liquified all relatiinships from the game, except for Seifer hating Zell. So uh....nothing's "weird".


I do not own Final Fantasy, Square does. I do not own cheesy fifties' sitcoms of any sort, embarrassed, out-of-business studios do. I just own the fic. SO THERE!!! Review me, flame me, whatevah!

The Balamb Bunch

This is the story

Of a bunch of people

Who alternately saved and offed the world

And when this battle had all ended

They thought they would go home.

But then the teachers 

Of Balamb Gardens

Thought that they were all a bunch of silly jerks.

So they shipped the whole group to Suburbia

And that's how they all became the Balamb Bunch!

The Balamb Bunch,

The Balamb Bunch.

That's the way they became the Balamb Buuuuuuunch

It is early on a Saturday morning. The Balamb Bunch is gathered out on a glorious front porch, in the middle of an ideal neighborhood, with very green lawns. Edea and Laguna are loading themselves into a big green station wagon.

Edea (In a purple tank top and shorts) : "Be good, kids! Your father and I will be back shortly."\

Rinoa: "I'm sorry Mom… where did you say you were going?"

Laguna: "We're headed to Balamb for …uh…stuff. Quistis, weren't you headed to the Gardens for research?"

Quistis: "Yes, for my senior thesis, exploring the effects of rapidly varying public opinions on impressionable teenage minds."

Laguna: "Riiight." 

Edea: "See ya, kids! And remember… if you're not good, I still know my Ice attack!!"

Laguna (laughs nervously): "Your mother is a real ice queen!"

Edea: "I'd watch it if I were you."

(they drive off)

Quistis: "I'm going now. Any other takers?"

(the other kids shuffle their feet and make up excuses)

Quistis: "Fine. You _children wouldn't understand my delicate study procedures __anyway."_

(she stalks off)

The rest of the kids head indoors. Selphie hears something scratching outside.

Selphie (checking a sheet of paper tacked to the dining room wall): "Hey, I think it's Zell's turn to feed her!"

Zell: (blanches) "Is not!!"

Squall (looks at the list):"Uh, actually, it is."

Zell: "But I don't  wanna!  What if she bites me?"

Squall: "Tough!"

Seifer: "Get over it, chicken-wuss!"

Zell casts hopeful looks across the room.

Rinoa: "No way!!! I'm not going near her. No way, no how."

Selphie: "Just knock it off and feed the sorcerer!"

Zell: "No! You guys are always picking on me! I am _not feeding Adel, and I've had just about enough." (Punches the kitchen table as hard as he possibly can. The table groans, and then splits in half, producing millions of little splinters to go dancing around the floor.)_

Zell: "Oh $&*%!"

Seifer (shaking his head woefully)" "Boy, Mom's sure gonna be mad when she finds out you broke her favorite table. She had to go all the way to _Dollet for that!"_

Zell: "Oh man…. You're right! Hey…where ya going?"

Seifer: "Mom's gonna kill you." (walking upstairs)

Zell: "So, what are you doing?!"

Seifer (over his shoulder): "I'm gonna call her, whaddya think?"

Zell: "Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!" (runs after Seifer)

Squall: "So now what? We could let Zell get busted, except that we'd get in trouble too, for letting him do it."

Rinoa: "Well, what do you suggest?"

Selphie: "Seifer said the table came from Dollet, right?"

Squall and Rinoa: "Yeah…"

Selphie: "We could go there and bring a new one back for her, and get rid of the old one, and she'd never know!"

Squall: "Somehow, I think she could figure it out."

Selphie: "Uh, Squall. What choice have we got?"

Rinoa (looking at the shattered table): "She's right, Squall. Now, I have my allowance…do you have yours?"

Squall: "Yes. I never spend my allowance."

Rinoa: "Riiiight. Selphie?"

Selphie: "Uh, well, not as such…"

Rinoa: "What? Can't you save money?"

Selphie: "But… but…but…"

Squall: "Forget it. I have about seventy Gil."

Rinoa: "Alright, and I have fifty, or thereabouts."

Squall: "That should be enough. Let's go."

Rinoa: "Wait. What about Seifer? If he calls Mom, it won't matter!"

Squall: 'He's bluffing. Mom doesn't even have a cell phone! Zell's just too stupid to realize it."

Selphie: "Oh. C'mon, we can take the ROCKET LAUNCHER!"

Rinoa: "Selphie…. Uh…we do not _have a rocket launcher."_

Selphie: "I know. I was only bluffing! And I fooled you! Hahahaha!" (Exits)

(Rinoa and Squall shrug at each other and follow.)

Scene change to Balamb Gardens Library. A quiet, peaceful, pleasant place, where one can draw the mysteries of the world from the pages of a book as easily as one could Draw an Esuna from the Draw Point in the corner. I have the feeling that was a run-on sentence, but whatever. Anyway, there in the corner sits Quistis, in all her stern glory. She is pouring over a ridiculously thick tome, no doubt filled with the answers to life's most irksome questions. She is ----

Quistis (glaring up into space): "Hey!! Please be quiet!! I'm trying to study!"

No. I don't have to be quiet. I'm the Narrator. Whatever I say, goes. 

Quistis: "I don't believe you! C'mon, gimme your worst."

Alright.

Quistis gasps in anger as the heavy book hits her repeatedly in the head. It then flies across the room to land in a stack of identical books, to be indistinguishable from the rest.

Quistis: "That's enough, you! I  hereby eject myself from this inane story!"

Uh…er….you can't do that.

Quistis: "Watch me."

Quistis triumphantly waits in silence as…nothing happens. The notebook in her hands that was supposed to be flying in all directions is mysteriously still. Fiiine. I guess she _can do that. _

You won't be getting any royalties, you know, if this is published.

Quistis: "You can't publish a fanfic!!!"

…..so?

Quistis: "And now I'm going to find you." (Whips out a big silver key) "I have the key to the upper level of the school! You have nowhere to hide!!!"

The blonde-haired nemesis storms out the door. She makes her way to the elevator.

Quistis: "How does this work again?? Oh yes…. I push the button. Not _you push the button. __I push the button!" (Pushes the button, as threatened)_

The door dings open and Quistis steps inside. The doors slide closed. A quiet, jazzy version of the "Chocobo" theme begins to play over the sound system.

Quistis: "Hmm… that's….oddly relaxing…." (Slumps to the ground and begins to snore.)

Hah. Hahahaha. I still control your surroundings, ya frickin moron! 

(Commercial break – 2002 Blitz-Off! Besaid Aurochs Number One In Team Standings!!...hey, my fic, my wishful thinking!!)

Squall, Rinoa, and Selphie are in Squall's POS, headed through the fields to Dollet. "Blue Fields" is playing in the air.

Selphie: "What the heck is that music?"

Rinoa: "Dunno…."

Squall: "We're coming up on Dollet now."

Selphie: "Oh, c'mon. That…thing on the road? It's not even as big as the car! It looks like a toy town!"

Rinoa: "Yeah…but… the map says it's the city!"

Squall: "It is."

Suddenly, the tiny model of the city in front of them is blown up to full size. Squall shoots the girls an "I told you so" look as they pull into a garage. A man runs out to greet them. He seems to be the parking attendant.

Garage Guy: "Hey! I'm Crazy Joe, owner and operator of Dollet Opportune Garage Systems!"

Selphie: "DOGS?"

Crazy Joe: "Noo…cars! Will you be leaving your vehicle here, sir?"(to Squall)

Squall: "Yes."

Crazy Joe: "OK! That'll be thirty Gil up front, and ten Gil for each additional hour!"

Rinoa: "Each additional hour after what?"

Crazy Joe: "Silly girl! Why, after you leave, of course."

Rinoa: "Nooo, 'each additional hour' after how many hours? How many do we start with?"

Crazy Joe (looks perplexed): "That depends…."

Rinoa: "Depends on what?"

Crazy Joe: "On how many hours you leave it here!"

Rinoa: "….what?"

Crazy Joe: "However many hours after you leave and then 10 Gil after that!"

Rinoa: "After WHEN?!"

Squall: "Forget it." (Aside to Rinoa: "We'll just pay whatever. I think he really _is crazy." They depart.)_

Crazy Joe: "Bye-bye kids!" (Looks at Squall's car. Bumper stick reads "Keep Honking… My Gunblade's Reloading!" The Garage Ownder chuckles nastily and wonders to himself which parts he should steal first. As he heads for his tool chest, he accidentally knocks off the 'Dollet Opportune Garage Systems" sign, to reveal one reading "Dollet Underground Metal Bandits")

Rinoa: "So, where's this furniture store?"

Selphie: "Dunno…. Excuse me, sir?"

Man on The Street (who is kinda weird looking with a long beard and milky blue eyes): "What?"

Selphie (now really nervous): "Uhm.. could you tell us how to find a um…a uh, uh… a…"

Man on The Street: "A FURNITURE STORE?" (cackles)

Selphie: "Uh, yeah. That's right!"

Man on The Street: "YES! I can help you find a FURNITURE STORE!" (more insane laughter)

Selphie: "Oh, that's great! Where?"

Man on The Street: "Right over there!" (smiles and cheerily skips off)

Rinoa: "That was weird."

Squall: "I hate Dollet. C'mon."

A few minutes later, they emerge from the store with a huge oaken table, which looks nothing at all like the one Zell destroyed, but it was as close as they could get. They head down the street to the garage.

Rinoa: "HEY!" (spots Crazy Joe pulling the engine out from the hood of the car) 

Selphie (running up to the building) "YOU DUMB JERK!!!"

Crazy Joe: "Agh! How'd ya know?"

Selphie: "What? Now listen up…you better leave our car alone!"

Crazy Joe: "Or what, my little pudding dollop?"

Selphie: "We have a genuine _SEED with us, and he can use a Gunblade, and you're in big trouble, mister! He's gonna BLOW YOU UP!!!"_

Squall: "Selphie! Shut UP!"

Crazy Joe: "Yes, shut up, my delectable slice of asparagus!"

Selphie: "What the hell are you talking about? Get 'im, Squall!"

Squall (sighs): "Look, could you just stop it?"

Selphie: "Yeah! We have this huge table to lug home, and if we hafta walk, it would be really dumb!"

Crazy Joe: "Yeah? And just what are you going to do to me, my dearest cherry pit?"

Selphie (mutters something unintelligible)

Squall: "Uhhmm…"

Rinoa: "Look, you had better not mess with me."

Crazy Joe: "And why is that?"

Rinoa: "Because…I….am…a…SORCERESS!!!" (bares her teeth and tries to look frightening)

Crazy Joe (bursts out laughing) "You….you…sweet thing…. A…a…sorceress!! Oh, THAT'S rich!!! HAWHAWHAW!!!!!" (rolling around on the ground. "Go on…cast…. MAGIC MISSILE!! HAWHAW!! Whatcha gonna do, wave your magical little magic wand at me, and POOF! HAHAHA I'd be GONE BABY!! HAWHAW!!!"

Rinoa: "That's not funny, sir."

Squall: "Who cares? The DUMB guy is in laughter arrest. We can leave, I am sure."

Rinoa: "But Squall! I thought you were a brave warrior!"

Squall: "I was. But now I practice Gunblade Control!" (looks to the camera, winks, and gives a big thumbs up with a huge smile)

Scene change… much later. The sun is setting behind the darkening mountains. Squall and company are headed back into town when they see Laguna and Edea just ahead of them!

Selphie: "Ohh…..FRELL! We're in trouble!!!"

Rinoa: "Step on it, Squall!!!"

The car says VROOOOOOM and accelerates into the intersection, narrowly missing being sideswiped by several vehicles. They zoom into the driveway, mere minutes ahead of their parents. They rush inside, replace the table, and as they're hiding the remains of the old one under Squall's bed, they hear a key click in the front door. Seifer rushes in, Zell creeps out from hiding. Zell glances at the chore sheet.

Zell: "HEY! It wasn't even MY TURN!!!"

Seifer: "Shut UP, Chicken-wuss!"

Rinoa: "Everyone be quiet and stand innocently in a perfect, unsuspicious, straight line by the door with big, unnatural smiles so that Mom and Dad won't suspect anything!!"

Everyone lines up, tallest to shortest, in front of the door. Laguna and Edea close the door and smile.

Laguna: "Good evening, everyone!"

Edea: "I trust we all behaved ourselves?"

Rinoa: "Of course!"

Selphie: "No problem! Nothing broke, and we defiantly didn't have to go clear across the world to get a new kitchen table because Zell didn't break it in a fit of rage."

Squall: "…yeah."

Zell: "Well, actually…"

Seifer: "Just fine!" (jams his hand over Zell's mouth)

Edea: "Good!" (looks around) "Where's Quistis?"

Squall: "Don't look at _me."_

Rinoa: "She must still be at the library."

Edea: "Ohh… that Quistis! She's a real bookworm!"

All: "Yeah! A real bookworm!" (all break into laughter and keep on laughing until fade…)

THE END!

Until Episode 2!! (and I DO NOT mean Star Wars!)


End file.
